Afraid to go to sleep, it is there the nightmares find me.

For anyone that has struggle before you might find some of todays blog triggering, please stop reading and get some support if needed. This content includes themes of abuse and death.

Have you ever been afraid to go to sleep. I have.

When I was little I feared for my life. And for the life of my little sister. I remember one night trying to sleep sat against our bedroom door, hoping that I would at least have a warning a chance to fight back. If the danger came while we slept. I have no idea why in my naivety I ever thought I could win, I suppose in a way I did as both me and my little sister are still here today.

I have been told how I saved my sisters life once. How as a little girl I found my mum trying to smoother her and in all my innocence I asked her “What are you doing, mummy?” Apparently that simple question on that occasion was enough. It seams crazy to even think I have these experiences sometimes. People pass me by on the street and no one knows, no one wonders. Should I even still be alive? I am fairly certain in an alternate reality I am not.

I don’t fear my mum anymore or any other threat that may approach under cover of night. Now I fear my dreams or at least the nightmares.

I have to be on a good seven day streak now of bad dreams some worse than others. And it is now I find myself exhausted wanting to sleep in one hand and in the other hoping that at least they won’t be the worst dreams tonight. Knowing they will not be good.

My wonderful husband tells me to control my dreams to own the narrative. Try as I might I have never succeeded in that. The most I can do sometimes is wake myself up, but then I am just faced with the decision to stay awake or go back to sleep where the nightmare will likely pick up right where it left off.

I should stress that for anyone who knows me, the above is all fairly normal for me. I often have bouts of nightmares and after a few nights in a row of them I normally find myself fed up. I just wanted to take the opportunity to get my moan out there. The old release it into the universe and be somehow a little more eased.

And apologises for my regular readers I know I usually focus on positive actions we can take to overcome challenges. I have written recently about getting back to sleep when you wake from a bad dream so you can find some advice there.

I hope you all sleep well tonight for anyone else struggling with bad dreams I am here.


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