Freedom from the past. Living free of fear but then what?

Any of you who have been with me for a while will know, like many of us I have a somewhat colourful past. I probably had a less than average start in life, although I always hesitate to say that, as some things in my childhood were awesome and some people in the world might have wished to have my life, regardless of how hard I found it at times.

I managed to survive living at home in those early years, though the threat to life was very real and the damage and struggles around me almost constant. I found the moments of happiness and clung to them like a pocket of air in the vast consuming void.

I lived a life in contrast to my friends, they worried if they would be allowed out to play after school, I worried if my mum would still be there when I got home, or if my sister and I would make it through the night.

Still I managed to find my moments of happiness and fondly remember road trips with my auntie and stew every Tuesday at my Nans.

Once I left home and got placed in foster care I had new fears. Afraid of upsetting my fostered siblings, afraid of being placed in a different home, hearing stories from the children that came and went of the harsh realities of many foster kids.

I won’t bore you with a continued catalogue of all the torturous events after. Suffice to say I don’t think life has really fully settled into normal since.

Regardless of all this crap I once prided myself on the fact that I refused to let me past impact my present. That I would not become someone that was stuck with the baggage. That I would find and even force my own happiness and path in the world.

And for years it worked well enough. I was not one of the many foster kids who I know to well failed to let go of their beginning and became stuck in a love less world. I forged my way out, I found employment, opportunities and eventually love. I know so many foster kids from the days I was there who are now stuck on benefits and in a system that encourages an unhealthy Co-dependence.

For years I have stated to others they need to do the same, let the past go. Live in the now. Be free to live your best life.

I was a fraud!

I have recently been gratefully receiving some support from an amazing Psychologist. I went to him in an attempt to try and tackle my on-going sleep problems, that and honestly back in July when I decided I had no other choice I was in a bad place. At least a bad place for me.

What I have discovered is far from what I expected.

I have learnt I live my life in fear. I am constantly afraid. Afraid of the next disaster yet to form, afraid of not being a good enough parent, of failing to do the right thing, afraid of letting my friends down and losing them, afraid of not doing a great job in work and loosing the house. Afraid of making the wrong decisions, hell, I am probably afraid of making the right decisions.

I was so afraid as a child I remember trying to sleep in the bottom of the wardrobe, curling up on the floor, shutting the doors on myself and laying there in the dark, until the need for sleep was so strong even the discomfort of my cramped surroundings could do longer keep me awake.

I have no doubt that the fear is part of the issue with my sleep. Probably unsurprisingly given a few of those early years I spent scared to go to sleep in case something terrible happened in the night.

The challenge now is to get rid of the fear, to find a way to let it go. That feels like a really tricky task. The fear has kept me safe, the fear has allowed me to achieve so much in my life. It is such a big part of who I am. Who will I be without it?

Dam I have just realised writing this blog I am afraid of letting go of the fear. How self for filling.

I suppose one thing is for sure without fear there is no courage. If I lived my of my life in fear I must have a store of courage I can tap into. Maybe that will help.

And perhaps it is a sign from the universe that I should immediately stumble across this article it certainly inspires you to notice that niggling feeling you want to change, even if I am a none the wiser about where to go and how to get there.


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