Post Trauma Session 1: Day 2. Running on empty

I always want to be totally open about my mental health journey and often think about others out there, struggling along a similar path.

As long as there is something worth saying I will share it, good or bad.

Shaking, crying, working…

I have had a couple of weeks bad sleep already so running a lot on empty. That always makes me find day to day stuff a little more tricky. It just takes longer and requires more effort. After a really good day yesterday (given the first day of heavy talking therapy) last night was horrendous.

As I expected I was slung into awful nightmares but something I was not expecting…Last night I was woke frequently by someone shouting my name. Of course when I woke I found no one there, I didn’t recognise the voice and it was immediately gone when I woke up. It was just like when you are sleeping and someone does shout, you hear them in that space between waking and asleep. Really weird, possibly halted my nightmares getting as bad as they sometimes do but very disturbing.

No idea why my head decided I needed to keep waking up but not sure it was helpful.

Don’t want to complain too much as I did manage to get back to sleep fairly quickly each time, but knackered today given I was being frequently woken up and I am still riding a couple of weeks less than average sleep.

Also feeling a little emotional but I suppose to be expected. I suspect the next few days will be much the same. Definitely surviving rather than thriving right now.

Still managed to push through work, partially driven by the need for distraction, partly driven by a desire to demonstrate that people struggling with mental health are still able to function and operate effectively, in the same way people with a cold or a broken foot can still manage to do things, it may require a little more effort and the outcome may take a little longer and yes for some mental health can be that poor they are unable to function, but it is not always the case. If you are struggling with mental health you are not useless.

I have to be honest it is hard. This process clearly uncovers things I was happy in ignoring before and the days feel like a challenge just to get through. I certainly don’t feel like myself and I am so looking forward to when my happy default settings return.

Managed to avoid the girls noticing me being upset though more luck than skill and The eldest has picked up on me being a little distracted, the evident lack of sleep has been enough of a reason to explain it away.

Fingers crossed for a better nights sleep tonight. Now trying to push through until a reasonable bedtime.


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