So the last few days I have been lost in a sea of emotion. Wave after wave overcoming me only to struggle up for air and find another fast behind it.
I have toyed with the desire to put it all back in the box and slam the lid shut again. But when I consider it further I have found the box is not as solid as it once was, the lid does not fit right and the process of forcing it open has left cracks along the seams.
I have contemplated building another box a stronger one, one that stands the test of time. I have considered all the actions I would need to take to reverse the path I am on. I would have apply extreme discipline again to every day. Enforce positive self speak, keep myself extremely busy, cut off any emotion good or bad for a time, deploy my Vulcan style training and be relentless in my aspirations for internal peace (or in reality nothingness). I doubt my ability to be able to do it, nothing fits back in the box right once you take it out.
Still it is tempting to turn back. But then I read a brilliant article
and it has given me enough drive to carry on.
Whilst I was absolutely managing most of the time, there have definitely been moments where the lack of sleep gets too much, or the pressure is unsustainable. Through all that though there is a glimmer of hope, I have realised happy as I am i could still be enjoying life more, worrying less, enjoying raising the girls instead of worrying about the job I am doing. And so I need to find a balance, to allow the feelings to come, the waves to take me a little way out to see, but not to loose sight of the shore.
To try and find the balance and allow myself to feel not so good but still good, I am going to dust off some tried and tested happiness tools. Welcome back the gratitude board and the daily intentions. It might feel like right now this is a dangerous path to tread but I have to believe the destination is worth it.