We appear to be falling into a bit of a rhythm with these sessions. We have one tricky session then one easier we. We get into conversations about the past in one, then we reflect, process and plan in the next. I must admit I like the fact I get a rest in-between and I find Chris’s pragmatic and insightful considerations help me to solidify the benefit and value of the difficult conversations. So heres what we covered today…
Support groups.
We briefly touched on support groups. It feels like it might be a natural stepping stone out of 1-2-1 therapy. Part of me likes the idea of meeting other people that have worked or are working through similar experiences to me. We agreed to talk about the options some more in the future as there were other things on my list more pressing.
Future Sessions / Trauma Assesment
We agreed it would be beneficial to extend our sessions and Chris ran through a Trauma assessment with me. It was a set of questions around my experiences of trauma related symptoms, over the last week. I scored 57/88. Not the worst thank heavens but still enough to suggest the trauma is having a notable impact. Here an example of the question set…
We Agreed some subjects of future conversations
There were a couple of other questions/topics on my list. Both of which warranted more time or focus than we could accommodate today so we agreed to keep them on the list. Then we got into the question I decided we should tackle today…
Should I request mums medical records?
This question had been bugging me for a few weeks. Should I request mums medical records. Chris as always, was amazing helping me work through the logic. Why did I want to request them? What would I gain? What would lose if I don’t?
It boiled down to two things. I wondered if filling in some of the blanks would help process and put to bed some of my more fractured memories. Some of the flash backs I have are clean crisp almost photographic images which just pop in and out of my head. Those are tolerable most the time I just dismiss them as not helpful and move on. But I do have some flash backs around the worst things that happened which are more disjointed, aggressive and fractured… a feeling, a face, a room fading from view. I had hoped that more information would help frame these flashbacks and lessen their impact, but perhaps in all reality they are not any different to the photo shop it is me that deals with them less effectively,
The second reason I think on some level i wanted to ask for the records was to find some justification, some reason why she did what she did, something to make me feel better about the whys.
We discussed the options the potential risks, the possibilities of it helping and of it not. Then I took away some actions to reflect…
What have I decided…
I don’t think I will do it. I know this might be my last chance, as soon the records will be destroyed if they haven’t been already. I think I just have to learn to accept there will never be a reason that explains it well enough. I won’t ever find a magic answer that makes me feel better or understand more. And it doesn’t really matter if things happened once, twice or ten times. It was what it was.
I do wish she was still around and I could just ask, but I have to accept that is not an option. I wonder what would you do?
Fight 4 Happiness 
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