Today was a lovely day. I finally got to take my aunt out for her Christmas present of afternoon tea.
It was a lovely few hours. Talking and marvelling at the day. She is an amazing woman who has done so much for me and many others. She deserved a treat.
The big unexpected win for me. I was happy going out leaving the kids with Stephen. It’s a strange thing to describe how the absence of something makes it more apparent. Today the stress and anxiety of leaving them home with him was gone.
Just to be clear I have absolutely no reason to worry about leaving them with their dad. He is one of those amazing people you are grateful life put in your path. He is wonderful with them and very capable of taking care of them.
Yet I don’t recall ever and I mean ever being able to go out leaving them with some one else and feel ok about it. I always just blamed being a mum, that natural maternal instinct to want to be with and care for your children. But I know now it was so much more. My anxiety was driven by my past experiences and by my persistent, insistent sense of responsibility. I could not even let Stephen their dad own some of that weight. They were mine and as such I should be responsible for them all the time.
It feels strange to say, because I was clearly still responsible for them. If they needed me I would have rushed home. If there was a specific reason I should not have gone out I would have stayed.
I didn’t give up the responsibility. I gave up the total all encompassing weight of feeling every minute of the day was mine to own.
I went out today and I left the house happy not fighting that burden of guilt.