Sharing a journey through treatment to demystify the process for anyone nervous about starting therapy. Reflecting on the conversations to find the lessons to move forward.
I value every minute of these conversations.
Brilliant session this one. We reflected on the last conversation two weeks ago and it really helped to start cementing in this new realisation “It was not my fault.” I might just title every blog that from now on. Got to make that realisation bloody stick. But that feels like it will be easy to do. It feels so obvious now.
It felt easier than ever to speak to Chris. I held back at times but that was for me, not for him.
Other than the reflections, learnings from the last session and touching on some homework I might share another time. He also kindly accommodated me squeezing in a fairly heavy conversation with little time to spare. But I was desperate to get it off my chest.
I described the difficulty I was facing in conversations that historically I would have been able to brush aside and more recently have started to sting or worse still cause me to be thrown into the depths of an anxiety attack.
Two key things to come out of this conversation. Chris gave me back my shut off the emotion chip card. (Sorry reference to data in star trek for any non fans. He was an android with no emotions but later had a chip installed to feel emotions, which helpfully in the hardest situations he could turn off).
I was so pleased to have my super power back. It has saved me so many times before. Oh sweet mercy of relief. I had been trying my best to avoid deploying those counter measures for the sake of needing to learn to connect. But to know sometimes it’s ok to jump straight back in to that safe space where almost anything can wash over me and won’t burn along the sides.
The risk now I think will only be deploying this super power in emergencies and judging what those are. But heaven. Yes I am dam well equipped to do this and I know it will help at times.
… An aside I noticed when Chris was offering his apology that I had face those conversations. It made me feel awful. I hated him say “I’m sorry to here you went through that.” I am not sure I can pin point what it made me feel, but it was not nice and I recognised I often feel those uncomfortable mix of emotions. Perhaps it’s a normal reaction I mean I feel a little awkward knowing it’s not his fault and I hate to feel like the victim. No doubt another topic to explore somewhere down the line.
Anxiety about feelings…
The second realisation was a very brief discussion. Chris probed a little what might actually be triggering the anxiety attacks. After I described the sense of trying to step into these negative emotions. He asked if it could be the closeness to a “negative” emotion. And I have reflected on and think he is right.
They still petrify me. It feels like the darkness could consume me. Of course it never does. My the feelings are so alien and at times intense. And that resistance I have to summon to not push them aside, force them down or diminish them is uncomfortable. This idea I have to let them be what they are and run their course. There is nothing else that I am anxious about in those moments. The anxiety is all about the feelings. Weird or maybe normal but either way something no doubt I will need to explore more.
More help to complete this journey…
The final absolute relief of the end of the session. Chris briefly let me know that he would see me past 30 sessions. Previously he had indicated that 30 would be the max. But at the last session we both acknowledged I have a way to go. I had sent him a bit of a long email explaining my fear of reaching the end of these sessions and finding myself only partially “fixed”. I was afraid of slipping backwards. Back to the person I was last year. As much as she was an accomplished and happy person to the world. I fort a battle every day, my sleep was atrocious and I was so highly strung.
Gratefully many things are improving hugely and whilst navigating some of these changes is tricky and I feel like part of me is having to learn to be a human! I am so thankful Chris will be around a while longer to help me on that path.