Let this be a cautionary tale for anyone out there denying a part of who you are. Sooner or later you will choose to be more open with yourself or the world will find out. And when it does and that perfect little existence you built begins to crumble in front of your eyes, hard as it may be you will have to acknowledge you caused it.
I get you might not have hidden that part of you because you wanted to. Perhaps you struggled to accept it yourself, maybe you wanted so badly for it not to be true that you hoped if you denied it long enough it would dissolve like snow on a warm day.
My experience is all of those things. I denied those things about me to myself before anyone else. I didn’t want to abused or to self harm or even to be non-binary. I just wanted to be “normal” and “happy”. So every day I tried to force myself into the world I wanted. And it worked at least for a while. I built my life with amazing people, a wonderful career and someone I loved. But eventually the toil of carrying it all forced its way out. And now I know the world I built is far too good for me. All these amazing people never really loved me because they didn’t know me. It’s my fault I should have never have wanted better. Never of wanted it so much I sacrificed myself for a world I built on denial.
Now I see see the cracks, some small, like how you look at me differently, some big like how you tell me I have changed, some huge like how your entire view of me is different or you simply tell me I am not what I am and I can not hold that space for myself.
So now what do I do. Watch my world slowly crumble or do I take back control, protect myself from anymore hurt and act myself to shut the world away, to step back. There was a long while I only had me. I survived, maybe I don’t need all the love I craved.
I can just work more and focus on the things which I can control. Spend time with the girls or invest in my hobbies. At least I got to know that life I wanted for a while. Guess it’s time to build a new one. No idea where to start but I normally figure it out.
This is just my journey and everyone’s is different. Perhaps hiding parts of yourself keeps you safe. Just spare a thought for the what if. What if you create a world you don’t belong in. If you can, accept yourself first and build a world that loves you for you.
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