Rowan Aderyn

Last night I was so angry. Angry with myself for wanting a life I didn’t think was rightfully mine. For building my happiness in denial and lies. For lighting the match which could burn it all.

I was ready to wipe the slate clean. To step away from all the friends and family I love. To lock myself away and hide with my anger. To hope I could learn and do it better next time around.

Time to give it back. Too good for too long.

I had written these long messages of how I was wrong and I knew it would be hurtful but I recognised they didn’t choose this, they didn’t choose me with all my baggage. That really I was saving them a lot of pain and grief drawn out over time. I was primed ready to delete all my social media accounts change my number and go utterly off grid.

I convinced myself not to hit send, not to pull the trigger and to wait. To give myself one night. I could still take that action tomorrow. Then I desperately tried to sleep.

By the morning option 2 was forming to send a long note with all the information which might make them see me differently and give them the choice if they wanted to keep a relationship. And now a day later option 3 is the firm favourite, I am going to have to speak with each of them. Which is scary and necessary in equal measure.

Waiting is often worthwhile…

It was a lesson I learnt first in the work place, if you are feeling emotional sleep on it. Even just for one night. You will often see things differently given a little time. It has always been so helpful for me, perhaps it could be for you too. Draft the email or make a list of actions you will take but then wait.