So I only have two sessions of therapy left. One of which is today! I know transitions are hard so I am trying my best to make it a good conclusion, here’s some of the how’s…
This is top of my list for a reason. Therapy can be hard work and even if we find it easy it is journey with an end. We are great celebrating the passing of time in life. We often over look celebrating the journey. Which at least for me feels more relevant and valuable. So I have booked a day off work and booked me and the hubby into to the spa, treatments, lunch the lot.
This might not be the way you would celebrate but make it a thing. Be proud, value your commitment and hard work wherever it has landed.
It has been hard work doing therapy. Much harder than I ever anticipated. It feels like it is important to mark the occasion. It also gives me something to look forward to. I recognise I am likely to have very mixed emotions when I finish. A positive anchor is always helpful.
Acknowledge the mixed feelings.
Historically I would primary on the good stuff. Focus on the sliver of happiness and force away anything else. There is something rather empowering about acknowledging that I might feel sad or worried too.
The one thing which appears to keep coming for me is feeling angry. I am angry I have to finish therapy, because I am angry I had to start it, because I am angry that those around me couldn’t create a better world for me. I must admit anger still feels like such an unproductive emotion. When I notice I am feeling angry I never really know what to do with it. I don’t want to behave in the way it compels me too. Getting angry with people around me is daft, the anger is not there’s to receive. So at least for now I just have to notice it, sit with it and remind myself it’s normal and ok to feel. I would love in the future to find a way to shape something else from it. No idea what.
Think about the next steps…
So I have given this thought for a good few months. The space and time to think about this for a while has allowed me to build certainty in my decisioning.
I know I don’t want to do any therapy for a while I am saying at least for next year. I actually think it will be much longer that I not do any structured therapy. I am really looking forward to the break. The head space to focus on the present and just enjoy the time or build some new skills. However I am open to the idea of one day if I need it returning to the hard work and I am keeping my options open as to what that might look like. It could be group sessions, more EMDR, who knows maybe by then there will some new form of therapy. If then, ever arrives.
I have always had a lot of focus on my well-being. Always read self help books. Every day trying to improve my mental health with tools and techniques. I never really measured it though. I hated doing those PTSD and Depression Assessments early on with Chris. In hindsight I still don’t think they will have been that accurate. I was down playing so much back then failing to even acknowledge the severity of my symptoms. And I always got myself stuck in analysis paralysis. Is it often? Is it sometimes? Round and round my indecision would go. I might have been dissociating from my emotions but I think I was also in some way dissociating with my reality. I wanted to be happy, I didn’t want to let the past affect me and so I clung desperately to a desire, a belief I was ok. As I move forward I can see the value in measuring my well-being checking in occasionally. So I am developing my own well-being survey. One which feels relevant and easy to complete.
The work does not stop…
I can sense my inclination to just double down on my positive behaviours to drive myself back to a super good space. I am mindful though if I take that path I could undo some of the good work. I think I have found two sensible avenues which I will continue to pursue. One is speaking more, mainly with Stephen but I need to continue working on just speaking more generally. The other is trying to pull together these blogs into a book. I think it will be a great piece of revision. To look back reflect on the journey, maybe draw some new insights.
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