I am not ready to finish therapy. That was a thought which crossed my mind today. I know there is enough trauma there that realistically I could work at it for years. Trying to unpick the tapestry of that design which has already been spun.
But in all honesty I don’t have a choice and that is probably a good thing. I don’t want to carry on with therapy either. I want to focus my attention on the new design on what’s to come. I don’t have the energy or desire to spend years lost in the depths of a history which was a story that should have never been written.
And so here I am. 100% ready to finish therapy and 100% sure the work is not done.
I will of course carry on trying to improve things. Try to grow and learn. Trying to free myself from those invisible truths which shackle me. I was once so afraid of going backwards now the fear is of what lies ahead. I fear the challenge of leaning in to life every day with a burden I never wanted to bear. I fear the possibility of a slow decline to that space where I barely slept, where the slightest sound would make me jump a mile, where I lived every day tense and alert. Fighting for my happiness. I also fear the rage. The anger, at it all, the sense I want or deserve more. And a limited amount of practice in how to accommodate that.
I know I need to find a way to level it all. To find the balance. Leaning in and holding back. Opening up and holding space for others. Not accepting the wrongs but accepting them (I know it’s a conundrum).
I have no idea how to effectively measure when the end of therapy should come. But ready or not this chapter is meeting it’s conclusion. And so always best foot forward people.
I am throwing down anchors everywhere I can find them at the moment. Little points of solidity against a growing tide, points I can control and hope for and enjoy.
I should totally caveat that I am not experiencing a storm just worrying about one. And whilst I am learning to be much more comfortable with uncertainty I also know from bitter experience you can’t just throw out these anchors after the first wave hits you need them bedded down long in advance to stand the best chance.
What is interesting is how my anchors have changed. Previously they were all things totally within my control. My behaviours and actions. I will exercise, I will write three things I am grateful for each day, I will keep myself busy… Now they feel very different. I will build a relationship here, work on my self belief there, use this as an opportunity. They feel much more broad in their design, encompass feelings, actions, relationships. Some of them feel harder to deploy. But then I am fairly confident if I ever need them the anchor will be much more resilient in its standing.