Anniversary of my mothers passing. One week and one day before Christmas.
I still remember the night I got that call. And I remember every moment leading up to it. Today though I faced a different struggle. This is the first year since she passed away that I have had that emotion chip turned on. The first year trying to embrace everything good or bad for what it is.
My little sister changed her profile picture to one of the three of us and whilst in the moment I scrolled past I knew the damage had been done. I carried on through my day but it was there bubbling under the surface. Those things I had for so long managed to avoid. Stephen could tell I was off and he pushed me to talk. At first I tried to delay “Perhaps we can talk later.” But then noticed I was doing it again trying to push aside my feelings, hoping that time alone would be enough to release me from their grip. I noticed and I confronted. I opened up with a wave of tears and mixed emotions and confusing thoughts.
Why was I so angry? Why was I not angry then? What should I do with it all? I can never go back and be totally honest with how hard it was. I could never have that conversation to say it was not ok. And now I had to accept I would be confronted with unwanted reminders.
“Will there ever be a time where I can feel what I need to feel and not find myself breaking down in tears?”
“I hope so.” Was all Stephen replied.
My last appointment with Chris has been delayed till Monday. He always said I could bring anything to a session, even the last session. I want to bring this. But I won’t. I know I have to learn to deal with it on my own. The reminders will always be there. I just hope it gets easier.
One good thing tonight. I put my needs ahead of my sisters and I asked her nicely to not include me in any pictures she posted of mum. I understand and want her to have what ever relationship she feels is right with her memory of mum. But there was that little thing I wanted, not to see photos of me and her. Sadly I think I upset her and I always want her to be happy. So I failed a little but I succeeded in defining what I needed and asking for it. So that’s good.
So lucky to have a husband who has no idea how wonderful he is. But he is. Thank you world, not sure I will ever deserve him but I am grateful all the same. he sat with me all evening, watching telly he doesn’t like, holding my hand and just being there. Bloody hell I struck the jacket when I met him and when that stranger on the bus convinced me I was worthy enough to give it a shot. ❤️
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