Rowan Aderyn

I have been a little quiet of late. And honestly it’s been a bit of tricky time. I finished therapy on an absolute high last year. I had smashed through so much stuff. My sleep was the best sleep I had in my life. I was more grounded, calm and so in touch with my emotions.

As the months went by having sustained that brilliant position I then found a few things slipping. I can’t tell you why. My sleep started deteriorating, not every night but some nights struggling to get to sleep, stay asleep and having nightmares again. I noticed I was getting jumpy again. I would literally jump out of my skin at the smallest of things, someone popping there head around the door or a noise in the next room.

I didn’t want to just let things continue to get worse so I tried to take some action. I tried to double down on my well-being techniques but nothing, all the symptoms remained. So I decided that I had to do something different. Confronting the past was something we worked on a lot in therapy last year. There was still a box of memories I would not go near and beyond that there was like a haze or lack of clarity around many parts of it whilst other parts were crystal clear and sharp in their recollection.

Last year I had considered requesting my mothers file but that didn’t seam wise. I had some great feedback and knew I was unlikely to find what I was looking for. Enter my brain coming up with another one of its genius plans. I could try and track down one of her doctors for a conversation.

I started off on my search and sure enough I found one of the clinical leads from her team in NewZealand. Beyond all expectation I managed to get in touch with him and he agreed to speak with me. Along side this I also requested my social services files. I wondered if together they would help fill the gaps and clarify the uncertainty.

I read the file noting the points which stood out to me as I went. I prepared myself for all the questions I wanted to ask Tegwyn and all the possible answers I might get. What I did not prepare myself for was the question I didn’t ask. Could all of that abuse been prevented? It had never crossed my mind. Of course you would want all abuse not to happen but what jumped out at least for me from the conversation and the file. There were points, moments where my life could have taken a very different path.

That shattered me like a meteor which just hit its target. I could have at least for the second half of my childhood and young adult life, been ok.

This realisation sent me down fast and it has taken me almost two weeks to claw my way back. I still don’t think I can entirely explain all the emotions, but a have found myself mourning the loss of a life I never had, flagging under the weight of what did happen and angry that the system failed me. But I am doing it. I am doubling down again on all of my well being techniques.

And now I have another new idea. I am spending too much time thinking about the negative things so I am going to start a new series of blogs. They will be all about the anchor points which got me through the moments which frankly I barely survived. So watch this space as I dig through a past to find those little moments which saved me and let me cling to hope in the darkness.