Conflict has been a thread running through so many parts of my life. Growing up in care, I learned to respond to it in opposite extremes – sometimes doing anything to avoid it, other times throwing myself head‑first into it because I believed I had to protect my sister. Conflict wasn’t an occasional disruption; it was something that showed up almost every day, shaping how I saw myself and how I moved through the world. Now, as an adult watching the care system from the outside, I see conflict everywhere: foster parents trying to support children through overwhelming emotions, professionals navigating a taxing system, families struggling to stay connected. The truth is, we often shy away from conflict or try to force our way through it, believing the answers are either on the other side or nowhere to be found. But conflict isn’t a wall – it’s a signal. We need to learn to identify it, even the quiet kinds, give it space, and work through it productively. That’s where the looping technique becomes transformative and conflict can become a bridge.
Conflict Isn’t the Enemy – It’s Information
Conflict is often misunderstood as a breakdown, a failure, or a sign that something has gone wrong. But for children in care, conflict is usually communication. It’s a way of expressing fear, confusion, unmet needs, or the residue of past instability. When adults respond with frustration or avoidance, the child learns that their emotions are unsafe. When adults respond with curiosity and consistency, the child learns that conflict can lead to understanding.
Across the care system, conflict shows up in countless forms:
- A foster parent trying to soothe a child who doesn’t trust comfort.
- A social worker navigating competing priorities and emotional exhaustion.
- A teacher managing behaviours rooted in trauma, not defiance.
- A young person testing whether adults will stay when things get hard.
Conflict is everywhere – but so is the opportunity to handle it differently.
The Importance of Consistency
Children who have lived through instability often expect conflict to end in rejection, punishment, or chaos. Consistency is what interrupts that expectation. When foster parents respond in predictable ways with a calm tone, clear boundaries, steady presence, a child can begin to understand that conflict doesn’t threaten the relationship.
Consistency doesn’t mean perfection. It means:
- responding with the same level of calm even when emotions escalate
- holding boundaries without becoming rigid or punitive
- showing the child that their feelings don’t scare you away
- modelling what healthy conflict looks like
Consistency builds trust, and trust is the foundation for every healing interaction that follows.
Identifying the Quiet Conflicts
Not all conflict is loud. Some of the most important conflict is silent:
- withdrawal
- shutting down
- avoidance
- compliance that masks fear
- “I’m fine” when everything is not fine
These quiet conflicts matter just as much as the explosive ones. They deserve space, attention, and gentle curiosity. When adults learn to recognise these subtle signals, they can respond before the child reaches crisis point.
Looping: A Technique That Changes Everything
Looping is a simple, trauma‑informed communication tool that helps adults slow conflict down and show genuine understanding. It has three steps:
- Listen deeply – hear the words and the emotion underneath.
- Reflect accurately – “What I’m hearing is…”
- Check understanding – “Have I got that right?”
Looping tells the child: You’re not too much. I’m still here. I’m trying to understand you.
It turns conflict from a battle into a bridge. It helps foster parents stay connected, helps professionals avoid escalation, and helps young people feel seen rather than scrutinised. And you don’t have to find agreement to find understanding.
Rising Through Conflict
Conflict will always exist in the care system and beyond – in families, in relationships, in the spaces where people are trying their best under pressure. But conflict doesn’t have to be feared or forced through. When we identify it early, give it space, and work through it with consistency and looping, conflict becomes a pathway to connection, not a barrier.
This is the heart of Built to Rise: the belief that even in the hardest moments, we can rise, rebuild, and create something better – for ourselves, for the children we support, and for the system we’re all trying to improve.
Leave a Reply